The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
