so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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