seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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