How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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