3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Semen is not good for contacts.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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