Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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