Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
