So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
