OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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