I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
