How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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