billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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