I showed him my bush... on skype.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
