I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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