we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
