SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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