question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
