Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
