I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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