new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
