go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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