I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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