THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
