tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
