The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
