I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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