They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
