So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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