But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
