I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
