drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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