He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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