Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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