Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
