I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
