Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
