also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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