Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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