If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
