she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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