Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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