i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
