just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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