I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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