Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
