Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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