My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
