I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
