but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
