I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
