i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
