Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
