Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
