why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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