I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
