Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
